Dolphin Parenting Vs Tiger Parenting. What Is The Link Between Happiness and Success?

Friday July 14th, 2017

We have all heard of Tiger parenting. The term came from a description of a Chinese mum that would threaten and control her children into working hard. Only top grades are good enough according to her. Happiness will come when the children are very good at something and get into a good school, get a good job, etc.

In one study researchers found that, when compared to a supportive style, tiger parenting gave rise to children who suffer academically and emotionally, while the second one suggested that children raised by authoritarian parents struggle with depression, anxiety and social skills, the New York Daily News reported.

 

Tager parenting is viewed as very backward these days. All the latest research shows that it is happiness that makes the child succeed in study and in life, not the other way around.

 

Shawn Achor, author of the best-selling book “Happiness Advantage”, spent 12 years at Harvard researching happiness. He learnt that 80% of Harvard students, one of the most prestigious universities in the world, people dream to be accepted into, go through depression, while people in poorest corners of the world can be happy with very little.

What Shawn discovered is that it’s not the success that makes us happy, but, quite the opposite, – it is the state of happiness that brings us success.

A new parenting style, called Dolphin parenting, is proving to be the way to raise happy and successful children. According to Achor, Dolphin parenting helps raise smart and happy kids, where parents are modelling relaxed, playful and positive attitude

 

Ancient Greeks’ definition of happiness is put into the foundation of Achor’s findings. Ancient Greeks defined happiness as THE JOY YOU FEEL MOVING TOWARDS YOUR POTENTIAL.

“Before we can be happy and successful, we need to develop the ability to see that positive change is possible, and this is one of the most important things that we can pass on to our children.” Research shows, he says, that when children (or adults, for that matter) work with a positive mindset, performance on nearly every level improves. “Children who are primed to be positive perform significantly better in school than children whose brains are negative or in neutral,” he says, asserting that improvements can be as much as a 10 to 15 per cent swing at academic level. The research also says that intelligence and technical skills predict only 25 per cent of job successes; the other 75 per cent is predicted on cognitive abilities such as optimism, the ability to get on well with others and how you view stress.

“A lot of times we stress out our children by making them think that if they don’t do well they won’t get into the college they want or they won’t have the career they hoped for,” he says.

 

“The Dolphin parent helps their child to enjoy the learning process. Teaching children to use the power of positive thinking shows them that they have more control than they realise.”

 

Dolphin parenting doesn’t have to be soft, Achor says. Children should be encouraged to aim high. Remember the Ancient Greek’s definition of happiness? ”Happiness is actually the joy you feel when striving towards your potential,”

“We feel least happy when we stagnate. If we can help our children to seek that type of happiness, you get a continual pattern of that child moving in the direction of their potential instead of stagnating.”

It is a misconception that external factors define happiness. Good genetics, good job, nice car, nice house, all these contribute only 10% to our fulfilment, the rest is in our own mind. Our brains are surprisingly malleable. Research reveals that you can “rewire” the brain and change it, even in adulthood. We can choose to be happy.

The most important thing a Dolphin parent can do for their child is to set a good example. “You can see the world through a lens of negativity, stress and uncertainty, or through a lens of resilience, gratitude and optimism,” Achor says. “It’s about adjusting our brains so that we can realistically see the present, but also see viable paths to success.”

The goal of the Tiger and the Dolphin parent is the same: a child achieving their potential, Achor says. But, he says the studies in his book show that children are most creative and effective when thinking within a guiding framework, rather than having a Tiger parent standing over them. Giving a child freedom within boundaries makes them invest more in their activities; the absence of freedom results in a deceleration of potential, he says. And, he says, the unconscious brain time needs time to process what it’s learning “Tigers must be kept in a cage, but Einstein figured out relativity in a streetcar after a party, and Poincaré discovered relativity while on vacation.”

Talking of dolphins. Tony Robbins, the word famous life coach, recently wrote about how to motivate through positivity. I thought you might be interested in his piece:

“Dolphins are inherently sensitive creatures. They are highly social, but if something happens that breaks their state, they can fall into a deep frustration.

Now, research has shown that when a trainer wants them to step out of that frustration and perform for them, but chooses to do so with force and anger, the dolphin feels that energy and retreats even further. However, when the trainer implements “the jackpot” – I.e., taking an entire bucket of fish and dumping it on the head of the dolphin – the dolphin becomes so overwhelmed with pleasure and joy that it is able to break out of its depressive state.

And when the dolphin begins to perform the way the trainer wants, the trainer immediately reinforces it. They never punish; they only reinforce. And when there is nothing there to reinforce, the trainer only seeks to create a little spark that ultimately guides the dolphin in the right direction.

This is not meant to minimize the complexity of humans, nor to be condescending. It’s simply meant for you to open your eyes and see that there is always a choice of how to approach a problem. Take potty-training as another example. Should you punish your child when he or she doesn’t use the toilet correctly? Or do you reward and reinforce the good behavior? Any modern parenting handbook would recommend the latter. It goes even further – sometimes, you reward even attempts or intentions of good behavior, because if you waited for perfect behavior to give a reward, you’d be waiting a very long time. So you reward their effort, even if it doesn’t result in a complete success.”